I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dignity is for republicans.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
