toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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