Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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