I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
