He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
