It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
