why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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