It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
