whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
