he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
