Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
