instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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