Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
