how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
