Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
