It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
