She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
there is glitter all over my balls
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
