I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
