Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
