I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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