i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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