They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
