look no pants
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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