so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
