im having a threesome with these popsicles
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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