I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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