Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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