I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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