I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
