can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
