Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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