he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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