is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
