There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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