I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
