You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
