I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
