My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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