I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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