I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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