After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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