1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
