So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
pray to the hookup gods
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize