Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize