I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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