I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
