Got a toothbrush?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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