You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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