I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
