please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
