remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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