If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
