I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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