You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
