i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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