my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just took my morning after pill in the library
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
