and you said cock pushups were impossible
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
