It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
