if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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