I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
