I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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