My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
