Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
