ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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