4 words: hood of his car
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
