Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
