I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
